What to do when confronted
by (exclusively) modern gamers
Through my trips to various
trade-in stores and gamestops in my area, I have encountered
a number of people who ask that inevitable question that comes
out of these XBOX and PS2 freaks: "Why are you wasting
your money on those old games?" Well, the answer I always
give them is this: "When was the last time you played
a game that you could pick up again after not playing for
a long time? When was the last time you didn't get bored of
a game five minutes into it? What was the last truly addictive
game you played?" When I do get a clear answer out of
them, it most always has one thing or another to do with the
NES, or with the Super NES. If they try to counter with that
age old argument that, "But the graphics suck!!",
I say to them: "OK, I admit it, the graphics DO suck
compared to the XBOX, PS2, and Game Cube, but if you come
up to me 10 years from now, and you can honestly say that
you are still playing (and enjoying) Madden 2002, I will eat
my very own copy of Tecmo Super Bowl. Tecmo Super Bowl is
such a great game because I can make that argument that I
am still playing an eleven year old game, that belongs to
a genre that is notorious for having extremely low replay
value, and still enjoying it. Whether I am alone or with a
friend."
But, when you encounter one
of these people, it may not always work out this way. They
might get defensive, making arguments such as: "You bought
Little Nemo's Dream Master, what a homosexual!!" or "Have
fun with that gay power pad, you fairy!!!" When I come
across these people, I let my extraordinary powers of insultation
take precedence. I proceed to look at what their wearing,
doing, how they are doing it, what they are driving, etc.
I then take that information and then tear them apart. Since
the vast majority of these types of people are 13 year old
wiggers, I tell them that their baggy pants make them look
like they just shit themselves. Also, a surprising amount
wear earrings, so I proceed to tell them that the earrings
they borrowed form their mother's jewelry box just look FABULOUS!!!
I then follow up with various insults of a sexual nature,
alluding to the facts that they like to listen to the Indigo
Girls and put gerbils up their asses.
After the verbal abuse is
finished, a few things might happen. They might turn violent
against you, and challenge you to a fight, or they might sucker
punch you like a little bitch. But, if your verbal abuse was
effective enough, they would just scoff and leave. I believe
that it is better to just let them go, because it is their
dead beet parent's job to teach those punks a lesson. If they
challenge you to a fight, ALWAYS let them throw the first
punch. Try to provoke them into it. If they punch you first,
then you are completely innocent of any criminal charges,
first of all, and it looks a lot better if you beat someone
up who challenged YOU. If they are waiting for you to throw
the first punch, try to give them a freebie. Insult their
mother or their sister, and offer a free shot on the chin.
Chances are, they won't knock you out on the first punch,
so you can get back up and start whaling on them, because
they are probably little 90 pound weaklings. If you aren't
a crazy motherfucker like some of us, who can just fight through
the pain and worry about it later, here are some tips: Ever
see a hockey fight? If yes, fight like that. Constant head
shots confuse and disorient the opponent. Also, pull their
shirt over their head on start whaling on their head. Avoid
hitting the temples, because it just will hurt you more in
the long run that it will hurt him. Try to go for the face.
A black eye is always a sign of achievement in a fight.
If all else fails, don't be
afraid to fight dirty! If you're buying video games, you're
probably not trying to impress anyone anyway. The gonads and
eyes are two good targets. If you heed my advice, you should
be able to whoop these punks into shape. When they are lying
on the ground in a pool of blood, don't forget to take their
wallet and buy as many NES games as you can withe 80 bucks
he was going to use to buy a PS2 game!!! Happy beatings, folks!!
