Lanny Cox's NES TOP 10 OF THE MONTH:
Coping With NES Withdrawal
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Hi folks!! It's Lanny again, with the first of his Top 10
lists. This one deals with addiction and withdrawal. No, not
to crack, baseball cards or sweet sweet porn, but GRAY BOX
ADDICTION. Now, I know some parents are concerned with little
Jimmy (is that a dick pun?) becoming addicted to the NES and
whoring himself out for stray copies of Hydlide, so parents
NATIONWIDE (as of 1989) are taking away the gray boxes in
droves!! This is good if you're some lamer who doesn't own
a NES, but leeches off the NESen of others, but what if you
did own a NES? What if your brand-spankin-new Hot Slots is
taken away someday and you're forced to uh, Lend Yourself
A Hand (tm)? WHAT CAN YOU DO?? WHAT CAN YOU DO?!?!
10. If you find yourself addicted
to Panesian games and are a churchgoer, looking at female
parishioners through stained-glass windows gives them a pixelated
appearance. Fantasize as necessary.
9. HEROIN HEROIN HEROIN!!
8. Feel free to substitute handguns
(preferably a Glock 9mm pistol) for a Zapper, and aim at nearby
animals. *SWOOSH!!*
7. Can you say REAL LIFE CITY
CONNECTION?!?
6. Love Blades of Steel? Buy
tickets to a hockey game. Put your hand over your mouth, muffling
your voice, and yell "HITS THE PASS!!" everytime
the puck is passed within players. Soon a fistfight similar
to that in the game will occur!! *Note: NES Player and it's
staff are not responsible for damages incurred due to reader
fighting like a pussy due to lack of a life or physical exercise.*
5. Close your eyes. Push in
on them really hard with your index and middle fingers, then,
keeping your eyes closed, stare at the nearest light source.
A blinking effect will occur similar to that of a dirty NES
system or cart!!
4. Assign family members hit
points and names like "ROBR" and "JIMM".
Make them line up really well, wear robes and gauntlets (don't
we all?), and hold battles with pets.
3. Decapitate the least loved
of your family members. Throw his/her head around the room
and yell "ZOMBIE NATION!!!" like an idiot.
2. Eat real hallucinogenic mushrooms.
Do not attempt to climb beanstalks whilst under the influence.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO CURE NES
WITHDRAWAL:
1. "Uh Oh! The stolen Police
Cruiser have started to move!!"
