Any fan of 80's music should be very familiar with Cyndi Lauper. She's the original unique-'cause-I wanna be, and I don't give a damn if you don't dig it, female artist. In celebration of The Goonies production, Cyndi put together the catchy, fun song "Goonies 'R Good Enough" for the movie's soundtrack. (Thank the gods she did, too, because the rest of the soundtrack certainly 'r not good enough for anybody's ears.) Following the movie's release, a two-part MTV video hit the tiny screen to promote the movie further.

Part 1

According to the excuse of a "story" that plays out, the parents of Miss Lauper have to sell their gas station to uppity WWF superstars. Why? Because, it's how the 80's worked. Nothing in the 80's remotely made any sense, from Reaganomics to Cyndi Lauper videos played on MTV.

Rowdy Rodney Piper is among the "bad guy wrestlers" giving a stellar performance before the camera. And when I say stellar, I'm relating the acting to the best of a typical performance seen in any number of Ed Wood films.

"MY LIIPPS ARE NUMB!!"

Here we have the ass shot. If you've been following along, Cyndi next discovers a hole behind a painting of a former pirate relative, or rather, the wrestler who played Mario on the Super Mario Super Show! series.

"AHHH! NEON GREEN BANDANAS LOOK TERRIBLE ON DECAYING SKELETONS, MAN!"

Appearing seemingly out of thin air quite randomly are the goonies (except Andy oddly - Chunk's expansive stomach lends a stretch to cover for Andy's missing letter). They help Cyndi read the map, as if Cyndi is illiterate, which she might very well be since her philosophy has no room for anything but having fun all day, and together they adventure deeper into the spooky caverns. The excitement of it all grows inside of me! No, not by the prospects of where the ensuing adventure will take me, but just thinking about what Andy is doing in the meantime. Perhaps, she is curled up in a ball wearing nothing at all but a tweed sports sweater. Yes. Nothing but a sexy, sexy sports sweater.

Which then cues some random promotional scenes from The Goonies movie.

Oh no, look, Cyndi is chased by pirates and cornered at one of the movie scene's bridges.

"What the hell am I doing in this stupid Cyndi Lauper music video!?! I SWEAR I didn't direct it, nor Goonies for that matter. I want to be remembered for Schindler's," exclaims the frightened Steven Spielberg as part 1 of the video comes to an end.

Part 2

Cyndi changes into new clothes and is forced as the ugly pirates' slave singer worker. Oh poor Cyndi Lauper! At least she's only stooped to doing music videos for Warner Bros. kid movies and hasn't become a corporate slut in a slew of unrelated Dr. Pepper bowling commercials! (Not yet, at least.) Fun Tidbit: She even meets up with the octopus that was cut out of the final movie.

Of course, Cyndi and the goonies break free, beat the pirates, and take some of their treasure back to her troubled parents to pay off the evil WWF wrestlers who wish to buy the station...

...But, refusing to follow the traditional method of a logical conclusion, they refuse to take the precious jewels as currency. Fortunately the failed music video is getting way too boring and too long so Cyndi whistles for a absurd, and prompt, exit out of this godforsaken, poorly planned music video. Responding to the whistle out of nowhere comes WWF's own "Sloth":

ANDRE THE GIANT!!

This is what came out of the 80's. Inane music videos that distracted and numbed the youth from becoming activists or otherwise participating in anything else socially important. Of course, I am no better, writing this article on a Nintendo hardware site in the new millennium, but I have a perfectly legit excuse. I'm also a product of the 1980's.