NES
Player. The very name brings forth strong emotions
and painful memories for those involved. To some,
it was a breach on the integrity of the NES community.
To others, it was a monolithic entity trying to consume
the competition, using ruthless, and sometimes highly
questionable methods.
I thought it was great. But then again, I've worked
on the site, so I might seem a little biased. Like
one of those pundits you see on cable news putting
a positive spin on everything someone in their party
does. I guess if you wanted to put it as a metaphor,
you could say I'm one of NES Player's bitches, defending
it after being caught doing cocaine and shooting an
80 year-old man in the face.
But don't take my word for it, just listen to what
Chris Matthews had to say:
"NES Player is the greatest institution in American
society to glorify the NES era."
...and in case Chris Matthews is reading this, he
didn't actually say that. Although I'm sure he's thinking
it.
But what do hosts of political debate shows dealing
with one's hardened balls have to do with the NES?
In a word: NOTHING. I don't know, I'm probably just
rambling. In any case, I'm going to be discussing
some more things that have nothing to do with NES
Player or the NES scene, so you might want to just
skip ahead to the next paragraph. Really. Nothing
related to the NES. At all. Yeah, I even made a hardball
joke. Of course referring to testicles. I can't be
the first one to do that. Of course not. But I put
it in there anyway. Why? I don't know, to be honest,
but it just dragged this whole article down in class.
Forget it, let's move on.
Hello again. I hope you didn't bother to finish that
last paragraph. Would've just been a waste of time.
But anyway, you came here to learn about NES Player.
Not Chris Matthews. If you did but ended up here by
mistake, try www.chrismatthews.com, it should have
something.
As for NES Player, the first thing I'd give my life
for, after Chris Matthews, it was a promising site
at the start, already uploading with an archive of
content, enough to satisfy the most pathetic of fanboys.
It was honored by those in the NES scene, and that
very same year, it won an Emmy for being the best
up-and-coming NES site. The site which had already
received so much praise in such a short time was founded
by a man named Mike. I don't know his last name. It's
probably listed somewhere on the site, but I don't
really care to check. He was known by many simply
as Groxx , or Groxxx to his friends, which many believe
to have been from his former career when he had a
short stint in the pornography industry. Again, I
don't know. I don't do research.
Needless to say, NES Player was a hit, gaining numerous
fans. Over time, many joined Mike's quest, turning
the once lone yet determined webmaster into a team
consisting of one determined webmaster and a bunch
of half-assed degenerates who only worked on the site
as part of their community service. Though an assortment
of killers, serial rapists, and Jack Abramoff associates,
the NES Player staff proved that they could more than
assist Mike in his maintaining of NES Player.
NES Player, as many of course know, has a reputed
(well, I repute it) message board of it's own with
a variety of loyal, almost to the point of brain-washed,
fans. But this was not always the case. When NES Player
was getting started, the members frequented Royal
Ranger's NES board more than any other, which was
a 'Nestopia', if you will, of long-time NES gamers.
In those troubled times, where NES support had so
greatly waned, simply because 95% of the world was
playing games that were made within the last decade
(or two), it was inspiring to see such an active NES
community.
But all was not well. Or not all was well, I should
say. What I mean to say, is that it seemed well, but
there was some of it that wasn't well, so not the
entirety of it was well. There was another community
that existed in the NES scene. It was a realm of instability,
chaos, and (allegedly) sodomy. It had gone by many
names throughout history, but the one it had been
given by human tongue was Nesecity. Though it seemed
these two societies lived worlds apart, it wouldn't
be long before a shattering conclusion was to occur.
August 4th, 1998. I don't actually know the date,
I'm just picking one randomly. But on that day, whatever
the actual date was, it happened. What had once seemed
like a platonic relationship, one side seemingly ignoring
the other (aside from childish fanboy flaming), turned
into a massacre. Royal Ranger's NES board, had been
destroyed. Countless debates on which Mario Brothers
title was the greatest, lost. Limitless flames about
who was gayer, gone. A sea of profanities, taken away
from us. Forever.
It had been Nesecity's declaration of war, sending
out it's deadliest weapon to do it's dirty work. Nesecity's
most technically-knowledged members, who had used
time that could have been spent having sex with a
woman instead working on their hacking skills in order
to gain free access to websites depicting pictures
of nude women. Using their unholy, and admittedly
pathetic, skills in computer technology, they destroyed
Royal Ranger's NES board, leaving nothing behind but
a charred mess and numerous posts by the saboteurs
accusing people of homosexuality in an effort to affirm
their own sexual orientation.
Indeed, a black day for society. But what was the
cause of it? Historians still debate the subject to
this day. There are many theories, one of the most
popular being that a feud had broken out between both
sides over Nesecity members' right to link directly
to child pornography from their forum. Another belief
with a strong following is that the Nesecity member
Capn had developed a deeply passionate love for one
of the other board's (male) members, but was rejected.
This is highly questioned by the followers of the
former theory, though most scholars agree that Capn
was certainly gay.
NES Player's fate seemed to be doomed, between this
horrid event and startling revelations that many of
it's staff members, particularly those that were involved
in creating comics, had been repeatedly failing drug
tests. In the hands of any other man, the site would
have surely been doomed. However, this was not to
be. Due to undetermined circumstances, and an alleged
Woody Allen prototype, Mike was able to return to
the NES scene with renewed vigor, though if you ask
him he'll deny the use of any sexual performance enhancing
drugs.
Time has moved on since that fateful day, and so has
NES Player. Though the beloved forum where all it's
fans had once met was gone, NES Player established
a board of it's own. Since that time, NES Player has
seen some of the most fascinating individuals in human
history, from Slayer988, the keeper of the seven keys,
to Yoshi55, who would blow up liberals with his third
Death Star.
As for NES Player, it still updates to this day, and
it's said that if you wait for him out in the fields
in the middle of the night, you can still hear Mike,
perhaps quoting lines from The Wizard. Though it's
probably just a Raccoon.
