NES DEATHMATCH

BIG BIRD VS. JAQUIO!!!!!

brought to you by...... gimmethebaaawl!!!!!

 

WITH SPECIAL GUEST ANNOUNCER....

BLUE MARBLE FROM MARBLE MADNESS!!!!

Why hello everybody! gimmethebaaawl here to announce to you a very special Deathmatch, Big Bird vs. Jaquio! And without further adieu, here is my partner tonight, Blue Marble!!!

Hi everyone! Tonight's fight promises to be an all out brawl!! Up and coming rookie Big Bird is pitted against the cagey veteran Jaquio! While Big Bird has no previous fighting experience, he is great at hide and seek! Jaquio, however, has been involved in several fights with Ryu Hayabusa, and is in the twilight of his career. Could this fight spell retirement for the Ultimate Evil????

Thanks Marble! Now that we have our fighter's backgrounds, let's get it ON!!!!

Our fight tonight will take place in Abadox! A fully neutral place for both combatants! We want this fight to be as fair as possible!!

Big Bird seems to be initially taking the "good guy" approach! But I am not sure if this technique will work against Jaquio! What do you think, Marble?

To tell you the truth gimme, Big Bird may be making a lethal mistake here! Jaquio is known to be unreasonable, and Big Bird's wholesome image will probably rub Jaquio's Satanic beliefs the wrong way!!

Ooooo...it seems Jaquio has done his homework! Before the fight, he went to Sesame Street and murdered all his friends, or so he claims...

I would take him seriously, gimme. Jaquio does not have a reputation for screwing around!

I guess Jaquio thinks he has something to prove! I have no idea why a giant evil monster with devil signs all over him has to prove himself to Big Bird, of all people. I guess Jaquio never got any attention from his parents, or maybe he has an inferiority comlpex. Maybe he ought to...

 Ok, Freud, take it easy....  (mumbles) Jesus, how did I ever get mixed in with this whack job??...  Now lets get back to the bloodbath.. I mean fight!

Holy sheeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!  Jaquio killed Ernie!!!!!  Not Ernie!!! he was my favorite!!!!! *sob* *sob*

*projectile vomiting noises*

Awwwww, dammit! Marble ralphed all over my new pants! My mom, er.. uh uh, girlfriend is gonna kill me! yeah, that's the ticket...

Big Bird is really pissed off now!!! He's hurling education at Jaquio!!!

I would have expected such language from Jaquio, but Big Bird!?!?!?! This is a new low!

And, as expected, the "A" did absolutely nothing!! That just goes to show how far education will get you kids!

That's right, gimme. Education and words and stuff won't get you nowhere!! Now drugs and hoes! THAT's where the money's at!

What's this? It seems Jaquio was bluffing after all! Grover, Bert, and Elmo are all here!

 Now the Sesame Street Gang has Jaquio by surprise! This next moment could make or break this deathmatch for either side!!

OH GOD.. OH GOD.. OH GOD!!!!  Those Sesame Street kids aren't that wholesome after all! This is the most sickening thing I have seen in my life!! well, except for that time I went through Marble's sock drawer and watched some of his "personal collection"... let's just say that whatever's on that tape is illegal in most countries...

Look you pervert, what I do behind closed doors and in a graveyard is MY business! ... well maybe that corpse's business... and the neighborhood boy scout troop's business.. but it's not yours!

Well, Big Bird won this deathmatch, with a little help from some friends, but you know that anything goes in a deathmantch!!

That's right gimme, so thanks for tuning in ladies and gentlemen and boy scouts, and we'll see you next time at...

WAIT!! What's this!?!?!

 

It's Ryu Hayabusa here to settle a score he had with Big Bird!

And we all know that Ryu has battled Jaquio several times and is one of his most hated enemies!!!

What kind of idiots to take our viewers for anyways?? Everybody knows that! It was all over the news last week! It was the only damn thing they had on the spice cha... I mean CNN!!

It seems Big Bird is between a rock and a hard place here, because they are all out of Sesame Street signs!

Well, this deathmatch doesn't look too good for the Sesame Street gang,... hey you, tell that valet to bring my porsche around... and don't scratch it!!!...

 Isn't it funny how in the heat of battle, everyone true sides come out? Like Big Bird turned out to be a bastard this whole time, Grover is in love with his mom, Bert is obviously gay, and Elmo's exhibitionist desires are now out in the open!

.. You really are stupid, you know that?

And Ryu exacts a horrific revenge on Elmo! Oh the humanity!!! I haven't seen muppets butchered so badly since Jim Henson got pissed after The Muppet Show got cancelled!!

 *BARF VOMIT RALPH BARF PUKE*

Aww for christs sake... can we get the janitor over here???

...

Will you clean him up??.. Hey wait a minute! You're Chip!! From Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers!!!

... *mop mop mop*

Yeah, it is you!! Why aren't you saying anything??

...  ... Boss said I'm not spoda talk at work...

Huh?

GET BACK TO WORK YOU LITTLE BITCH!!! BEFORE I FIRE YOUR SKANK ASS!!!!

...

Okay....

 Wasn't there a bloodbath going on here??? Let's make it snappy, my latte is getting cold.. *wipes barf from his mouth*

And Ryu uses the dreaded art of the Fire Wheel Attack and burns Bert and Grover to a crisp!!

No use praying Big Bird, not even Jesus can save you!!!  But maybe........

...

 

 maybe..... YES!!!!! It is Andre the Giant! Everyone's favorite freak/pro wrestler!!

Where did he come from??? This is the most fucked up deathmatch I have EVER seen!!!

   

Maybe this IS Big Bird's lucky day!! Andre the Giant has squashed Ryu, leaving Big Bird the sole survivor!!

I wouldn't count on it, jackass! Andre The Giant is known to be very unpredictable!!!!!

  Ohhhhhhh noooooooo.... I feel sick... *BARF PUKE BARF RALPH*

 *BARF RAPLH HEAVE PUKE* *coughs up blood*

Well, there you have it folks!!!! 7 dead NES characters and a floor full of puke!! ...hey when did I have corn???..

*passed out from loss of blood*

Well, thanks for watching folks! For Chip, Dale, Andre the Giant and Blue Marble, I'm gimmethebaaawl and remember, whenever two NES characters have a score to settle and I am bored and using photoshop, there's bound to be a good, old-fashioned 8-bit ASS WHOOPIN!!! And remember kids, drop out school and pimp hoes and deal drugs! Thats were the money's at!

 

-gimmethebaaawl