 |
|
Hear thee cherubs' graceful choirs! Introducing (about 19 years late to the party): Ralston's Nintendo Cereal System! In 1988, Nintendo licensed out a cereal to Ralston to crunchify and make delicious their two early hit video game franchises: Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda. Each got its own game-influenced, bite-sized cereal bit in either fruity (Mario) or berry (Link) varieties. The shaped bits symbolized, for example, um, Mario's, sort of looks like, pet octopus; Link's boomerang/hat/umbrella; and I think a Cheerio, which if I remember correctly in the first Zelda installment, was an item Link used to float to secret, far-off islands. Oddly missing in the line up was the marshmallow that could represent a mushroom, a lost pun which I will forever grieve for from this day forward until Nintendo can redeem itself with a Wii phallic-fruity cereal.
Nintendo Cereal System: Fortified with 9 Essential Vitamins and Minerals
On the side of the box contained ingredients for the Mario half and the Zelda half. Interestingly enough, they both had about the same things except that Zelda's lacked any "NATURAL FLAVORS," which is a considerable blow to the berry side of the cereal. Compared to children's cereal today, it is a welcome change to see sugar as the fourth ingredient and not the first or second. The exclusion of high fructose corn syrup harkens back to a time when not all kids were obese little walking shits. In its place, though, is "LOW ERUCIC ACID RAPESEED," which, as you can tell, sounds unhealthy and gross, but not to worry: rapeseed is not what you think it is, it is merely a mildly toxic seed from the rape plant commonly used in biodiesel. Yeah, I know. What a relief.
If you did not want to know about the addition of rapeseed in your Nintendo cereal, then you could have read the opposite side for Nintendo Power Game Tips where secrets and tips were shared from Nintendo's official magazine (isn't that marketing within marketing?). There you'll find tips such as how to save the bait from the 'hungry Goriya' in Zelda or find out how to save a falling mushroom from going down a pit in Mario.
On the back of the Nintendo Cereal System's box is a set of Nintendo Power Cards with helpful cutout lines to chop those suckers out and laminate them or something. The Mario cards stay true to the infamously unknown story of the first Super Mario Bros. game. (which goes to show how many people actually read instruction manuals at all). It outlines the general story of King Koopa's sorcery which transforms the mushroom people into inanimate blocks. Unfortunately, the artist drawing "King Bowser the Great" lacked any such sorcery of yellow paint, as Koopa looks more like a garden hedge.
The Zelda cards are the clear winners here if only for the obscure enemy, Lynel, getting a mention. Look at him. He's bad ass.
The most alarming aspect of the Nintendo Cereal is when I read who the makers, Ralston, really were: part of Purina Company, famous for their dog food. This opened my eyes to the obscure cereal bits because, having two dogs myself, I knew I had seen those shapes before.
It is it a case of sheer coincidence that Ralston Nintendo Cereal and Purina dry dog food contain quite similar fun shapes? Have I been brainwashed to the point that the sight of Mario and Link together on the box make up for the taste? Why does that crunchy beefy bone look so tasty to eat?
Let's see if Mikey likes it.
He likes it! Mikey likes it!
CEREAL FOOD MARKETING 101
It is not my place to make a completely unfounded and libelous claim with my insinuating that Ralston re-issues Purina dry food products and markets it to small, puppy-sized children. I only leave you with this image of how easy such a conversion would be. How bow-wow easy, if it were true, to implant the doubt in your head.
Is it Nintendo Cereal System or Alpo Savory Beef Flavor Prime Cuts? There's only one way to find out: just add milk.
