[Seasonal
treats that make the holidays even more special.]
WARNING:
Finding the appropriate seasonal connection to Christmas in NES
games became a hit-or-miss investigation while I spent time developing
this section. Be forewarned that some of the following examples
can become quite graphic.
Publisher:
THQ
Genre:
Action
Released:
October 1991
Home
Alone took movie theaters by storm in 1990 and made Macaulay
Culkin a child star overnight. Written by one of my favorite Hollywood
writers, John Hughes, and narrated by a John Williams soundtrack;
the film became a holiday tradition in many families almost religiously.
Quickly following the original was a sequel, Home Alone: Lost
in New York, and the whole cast returned. NES video games
based on the two blockbuster films debuted closely following in
the theatrical releases' tracks. They are the end-all, be-all
of Christmas NES titles.
I
love how modern game reviewers complain how the game developers
were too "lazy" for not adding enough "graphical
touches" and fluff of that amplitude. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
I can tell they decidedly never had the misfortune to play Home
Alone. If that game isn't the most faithful rendition of "rush
job" I don't know what is.
Everything
takes place in the McCallister house. That's one locale. What
the frig' is the point of that? Kevin has to outrun Harry and
Merv (Pesci, Stern) by dropping traps to slow them down. But get
this, that's the whole game--you last for 20 minutes and a winner
is you. This translates to you running in circles to the same
rooms over and over in loop. In-ex-cus-a-friggin-ble. What would
Jesus do? Jesus would make a solid game, I'll tell you. He wouldn't
make the player run around the same, terribly boring house for
twenty looooong minutes. There has to be an explanation for this.
And there is! The police decided they wanted to drop by the Krispy
Kreme before responding to the burglar situation. This game honestly
doesn't deserve anymore time devoted to it.
Tips/Codes:
Here's
a tip: don't play it.
Publisher:
THQ
Genre:
Action
Released:
October 1992
Home
Alone 2 gets points alone for actually having game-like
attributes--not this previous runaround for 20-minutes bullshit.
It's not the greatest of games by any means, but the best Christmas
theme I could find; so bear with me as I go into greater detail.
The
game assumes you have seen Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
and starts right away into the thick of things. If you haven't
had that chance to see the film, the story is the McCallister
family is late for their flight to Florida to spend Christmas.
Kevin doesn't like the idea because the Orange State won't have
traditional Christmas trees--the closest, I guess, is a palm tree.
During all of the hubbub and rush at the airport, Kevin mistakes
his family going on another flight... to put batteries into
a recorder. Did Hughes write this one? Please tell me Mr.
Breakfast Club Hughes didn't write this script!
Kevin
winds up in New York City and realizes he boarded the wrong plane.
He then notices that he's still carrying his father's wallet.
And let me tell you, this kid happens to have a refined taste,
because he goes directly to the fanciest hotel in the whole city:
Donald Trump's The Plaza Hotel. There he encounters the concierge
(played by Tim Curry). Meanwhile, Harry and Merv (the "sticky
bandits") have escaped from prision. They made a run to New
York to escape the police. Hey, bigger coincidences have happened.
Such as... Home
Alone 4. I am anxiously awaiting Home Alone 5,
when the McCallister family, so grief-stricken and paranoid by
the hex on Kevin, decide to leave him at an oprhanage. There he
meets little orphan Annie and breaks into a song-and-dance number.
OH
MY WORD! TIMMY CURRY DIGITIZED IN EIGHT-BITS! Truthfully, I would
have never even known. He's got the Jewish, John Turturro hair
and yellow teeth. Shudder.
The
game. Right! There's a game here too! Things begin with The Plaza
staff has become aware of the stolen credit card business and
they're considerably pissed. The objective now is to run away
from the hotel workers, fat men dressed in stripe shirts, idiosyncratically
jumping elderly women, and vacuum cleaners. EASILY the best movie-to-game
adaptation to date.
To
progress in the hotel level, Kevin must travel around the different
rooms collecting weapons, items, and so forth. Most of these rooms
are really quite strange. Bloody quite strange.
(Warning: Nasty material ahead! Don't say I didn't warn you!)
When you go inside one of the hotel rooms, you'll likely catch
a maid in the act of deficating (?) on a guest's bed. The bitch's
pretty angry to have been found out, too, so she starts throwing
pillows. Freeze frame. The time of confession is at hand. This
is when the earlier assumption of a bad game goes beyond the proverbial
line of conventionalities and ventures into the unthinkable...
BLOOD!
There is freaking BLOOD on the pillows she's sitting on. I'm not
making this up, folks. Blood! I misjudged the situation we have
on our hands here. It's gotten a whole lot uglier. It's apparently
"that time of month" for the maid and she's doing it
on guest pillows! Worst of all she is now throwing them your way.
I
think I'm going to throw up.
Not
a very merry Christmas at all for Kevin McCallister... poor boy.
Cue the emotional London Orchestra score, Williams.
Must...
resist...the overflow of... Michael Jackson jokes...
Supposing
you can manage avoiding the human-engulfing vaccum cleaners, you'll
eventually come to a special SERVICE elevator. This'll take you
to the bottom floor.
Holy
shit! Home Alone 2 has more than one graphics scheme! I
owe somebody, somewhere, ten dollars on a bet. To be honest, I
never got past the first level as a kid. It wasn't until I grew
older and wiser did I learn smashing the elevator's button like
forty times made it work. Ingenious ain't the word. Anyhow, kudos
to the developers for going over and beyond the first Home
Alone game. Don't be hating, Home Alone 1. Don't be
hating.
Kevin's
main adversary now is: flying meat. I guess Culkin turned vegetarian
at an early age. If you can handle passing the fatty wads of meat
and the kooky crooked cooks in one piece...
THE
CHEF! THE FAT CHEF! Hear me out here. You would think THQ knew
the difference between having liberty with a movie license and
pulling random shit out of their ass. You thought Menace Beach's
"disappearing clothes" cut-scenes were incontrovertibly
revealing?
I
forget this part in the movie.
After
callously stripping The Plaza Hotel's chef and trambling on his
last shread of decency--the guy's hat--Kevin runs outside and
into the arms of Harry and Merv. Serves the bastard right.
*LONG
CUT-SCENE* Hey do you remember the TalkBoy; the recording device
Kevin uses throughout Home Alone 2? Never since The
Wizard and the Power Glove did a family movie get so commercial
(all Disney movies made during Eisner's reign nonewithstanding).
My mom bought one of those at FAO Schwartz back in the day. It
had the slow down and fastforward features to mess with people's
voices. Bad-ass.
Mr.
Culkin! For shame! Just look at his fiendish smile of satisfaction
while groping that poor woman! By the by is it me or does Joe
Pesci's character look like that dude from the Weekend at Bernie
movies?
The
next stage takes place in Central Park. I think. No real detail
or thought was put into the environment, though...
Wait!
There are guys holding baseball bats and hiding in the bushes!
Now you know it's Central Park in New York! Seriously.
I've been there before.
Kevin
likes to climb. A little too much, in fact.
The
third lamp post has a loose brick that he can jump onto and cross
the standing wall in the way.
Now
to rush Kevin to the abandoned house and trigger some cute hijinks!
I love formulatic movie money makers! Make it through the sewer
infested by those dirty pidgeons of that crazy homeless woman.
Wait...
why is there a guy inside of the McCallister relatives' house?
Whatever. This is the point of the film when (almost identically
to the first Home Alone) Kevin sets up a slew of masterminded
boobytraps to make the gullible audience laugh. Transcendent,
little man!
At
some point of this exercise you'll make it to the roof of the
building and slide down a rope to ground level. Merv chases you
at the bottom to the final scene of the game.
The
tree at Rockefeller Center looks a bit different, no? This one
is hideous, dreary, and looks evil even. More "liberty license"
I presume.
THE
BIRD LADY! At last the best preformance of a" scary-old-gypsy-woman-living-in-
Central Park-who-smells-like-bird-poo" in motion picture
history. I swear she should've received an honorary Academy Award
for her stirring achievement in fine acting. I cried when Kevin
handed her one of the two turtle doves; although in real life
I know a person in her disadvantage probably would have muttered:
"What the hell do I want with a plastic bird ornament,
Kevin? Look around you. I LIVE with the fugging birds. You trying
to say I have nothing but birds in my life? Come here, Kevin.
I'LL SKIN YA! SKIN YA ALIVE, KEVIN! HEY KEVIN!! HEY KEVIN!! DON'T
MAKE PROMISES YOU CAN'T KEEP! KEVIN! DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME, KEVIN!
I CONTROL THE BIRDS! DON'T MESS WITH THIS BITCH, KEVIN. DON'T
MESS WITH THIS BITCH! I'LL KEEEL YA!" What a maroon!
Listen
up kids and their money wiedling parents--we need YOU to complete
the commercialism cycle: you saw the film in the theathers, bought
the VHS tape, played the video game; now you have to pick up the
Screaming Kevin action doll, which is in sick irony made by THQ
as well!!!
(SLAP
FACE) AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
$29.99
retail price available now at Wal-Mart and participating retailers
nationwide.
Tips/Codes:
Game
Genie codes
PEEPILLA
Start with 1 life instead of 3
IEEPILLA Start with 5 lives
YEEPILLA Start with 7 lives
PEEPILLE Start with 9 lives
POEPILLE Start with 25 lives
ZUEPILLA Start with 50 lives
LKEPILLE Start with 75 lives
LVEPILLA Start with 99 lives
SZEYKVVK Infinite lives
AENYVGGE Every 4 cookies count as 8
GENYVGGE Every 4 cookies count as 12
AONYVGGA Every 4 cookies count as 16
GONYVGGA Every 4 cookies count as 20 (extra life point)
IAOVUGTA Extra life with 5 pizza slices instead of 6
GAOVUGTA Extra life with 4 pizza slices
LAOVUGTA Extra life with 3 pizza slices
ZAOVUGTA Extra life with 2 pizza slices
PAOVUGTA Extra life with every pizza slice
SZNYSSVK Infinite power units/life points
SZSVLVVK Become almost invincible after losing 1 life point
(can walk thru most enemies--vacuum cleaner can still kill you)
SZOELKVK Infinite slides on pick-up
SZVETKVK Infinite darts on pick-up
SZSAAKVK Infinite flying fists on pick-up
Publisher:
Irem
Genre:
Action
Released:
1991
Believe
it or not, this odd Famicom game uses Christmas trees for absolutely
no reason whatsoever. Located in the 'Strange Land' stage, there
are trees decorated with stocking and ornaments at the beginning
of the level. Is this some sort of Japanese social commentary
by placing a Christian icon in a level called "Strange Land"?
Who knows! Deck the halls, anyway!
Tips/Codes:
N/A
Publisher:
Konami
Genre:
Beat 'em Up
Released:
January 1993
Batman
Returns (based thereon the Tim Burton film of the same name)
is unquestionably a decent and ambitious brawler for the NES.
I say this knowing there is a sizable amount of small flaws that
slowly pile up (it pales in comparison to SunSoft's
Batman). But still yet, it's got 'spunk' and plenty of graphical
flare to amaze and look past the bad stuff.
The
film [and video game] starts off at the city's annual Christmas
tree lighting ceremony that is being conducted by the mayor of
Gotham City (played by Christopher Walken). When suddenly, popping
open of oversized gift box props, the notorious Red Triangle Circus
gang busts out in front of the crowd of spectators. Batman is
signaled.
Batman
Returns is without any doubt the greatest NES title to carry
a Christmas theme. I mean, really, how much better can honest-to-goodness
beat 'em up gameplay strung along with a storyline taking place
during the holiday season get? You kick ass in the name of Christmas!
Batman, will you marry me?
Look
it's Danny Devito; the guy from Taxi! He's not a wise crackin',
tough taxi boss this time around though. No, far worse. HE'S A
PENGUIN! The Penguin. Now ladies and gentlemen - Now
we have the all-time greatest holiday game on our hands here.
The
premise is Batman has to clean up the mess Penguin left behind
at Gotham City in a slew of fighting stages; and boy are these
stages truly dark and disturbing, reflecting the true noir nature
of the film (and its director).
Later
the player is put into a truly awesome Batmobile level full of
clown kamikazes and a fleeting circus train. Can't forget to mention
the battle of the Rubber Ducky, either!
Hell hath no wrath like rubber ducky.
At
last after all of that mayhem, Batman finally finds himself inside
the core of the Penguin's sewer lair. To quote a one Drake Mallard
(Darkwing Duck): "Let's get dangerous!"
Much
to my disappointment, the legions of penguins waddling while carrying
missles strapped to their backs is missing from this important
scene. No matter how much the Caped Crusader messes up the Penguin,
PETA has really won this battle, Batman. I really wanted to bust
up some penguins, man--not just the fat guy. Ah well.
The
Penguin arms himself accordingly to the movie by holding his patent
deadly machine gun-fire umbrella. He can also fly above Batman
and drop a string of explosives. Your best bet is to wait for
clearance from the dropping bombs when he's aerial and use the
grapple hook. Hopefully you chose to save a few batarangs before
the fight for when he is roaming the ground and open to attacks.
Conclusion:
Needs more explosive penguins.
Apparently
there's also a better ending to the game if you survive all 16
stages without using a continue. Yeah, exactly. I'll never
see it either.
The
"bad" ending is more than enough and pretty nice as
it is. Through magical voodoo programming powers Konami added
in the ability for the player to control the penguin (top right
pic): "A" is to move its beak and "B" for
it to blink. I must be very easily amused because I couldn't stop
flapping the beak for at least fifteen minutes or so. Touche,
darling. Lovely. Simply gray poupon.
Tips/Codes:
Stage
select - Enter password: Y*31 21 3191 11. The first level
appears but now you can use controller 2's Left and Right directional
buttons to select which stage you care to visit.
[Back
to Main Page]
