[Terrible games that should stay
in eternal hibernation.]
Publisher:
Acclaim
Genre:
Sports
Released:
September 1987
Acclaim
ain't known for greatness and neither is the "so-so"
developer Epynx (whose resume includes Impossible Mission II
for the NES). However, with their powers combined, they can produce
a real fucking abomination of a game. I'd rather have frostbite
gnaw at my frozen fingers than touch a controller plugged into
Winter Games; and you're about to find out why you would probably
prefer the same.
Able-minded
folk will know straight out from the starting intro depicting
a man "sprinting" (more like stalking with those
freak spider legs of his) that you're about to descend into the
Underworld and cross the River of Styx past the people's cries
who paid full price for this sad, sad title. Tsk, tsk.
HOT
DOG AERIALS
I
don't get it. I've played this event over and over again and have
not yet seen one hot dog vendor. Forgive my ignorance (or apathy)
for not understanding how jumping off a ski slope translates to
"hot dogging" - but hey - I guess that's just the un-sport
nature deep within me. Nevertheless, Winter Games begins
on a good note because hot dog aerials actually: (A.) Functions
correctly, (B.) is able to be controlled by a human player,
(C) happens to be somewhat entertaining...
BEFORE
AFTER
...for
about fifteen minutes or so.
SPEED
SKATING
The
next "olympic" challenge is speed skating--an event
requiring the use of only two buttons, both located on the D-pad.
Graphics are par (or is that triple bogey in Winter Games
case?) for the course. In its most distilled form: this is nothing
more than an all-out button masher. I choose to exert my energy
for something more inviting. Such as jumping out a window or bashing
my head repeatedly on a concrete post. Good times.
FIGURE
SKATING
I
believe the best way to think of Winter Games "Figure
Skating" contest is how it's like to be in purgatory. You
skate forward for an instant. Jump. Fall. Start over. It's somewhere
between hell and limbo--sponged of anything meaningful, leaving
behind complete emptiness. You'll eventually drool over the notion
of seeing her sudden-fall death, but to no avail nor the frequency
of which she hits the ice, the bitch gets back on her feet. At
least the Nutcracker music playing in the background is quite
nice.
THE
BOBSLED
The
Bobseld is the only mini-game I can stomach. The 3-D perspective
is nice, there are decent map visuals, and everything else functions
properly. So what's the problem? Well, better yet, the question
should be: What's the point? It's boring and not worth more than
twenty seconds of anybody's time; unless you're a masochist and
get a kick out of this sort of thing. But I generalize too much,
let me save your time too, sadomasochistic junkies: hire a dominatrix
and have a better time getting whipped then pretending to bobsled
in a Nintendo game pak.
Tips/Codes:
If
you are one of the few who happen to enjoy Winter Games,
I have this tip especially catered to you: PAWN ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS
(EXCEPT OF COURSE YOUR PRECIOUS WINTER GAMES CARTRIDGE),
GIVE THE MONEY TO CHARITY, BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN, AND THEN TIE
YOUR COPY OF WINTER GAMES AROUND YOUR NECK AND JUMP OFF
OF A BRIDGE. We'll have one less lover of Winter Games
in this terribly sinful world of ours.
[Of
course I kid, my lil' cuddlebug! ^_^ Wouldn't want anything to
happen to you....yet.]
DISHONORABLE
MENTION:
Publisher:
Acclaim
Genre:
Sports
Released:
September 1987
Jesus
H. Christ! What in the hell is this!? Slowly back away... making
sure not to make eye contact with the bad game.
Tips/Codes:
Don't
eat at Joe's.
DISHONORABLE
MENTION:
Publisher:
Sony Imagesoft
Genre:
Action
Released:
November 1993
Based on the 90's action film starring Sylvester Stallone, this
NES game would be as equally forgetable as the film had anyone
actually played it in 1993. Basic plotline: Rambo comes out of
the jungle and puts on a winter jacket to run around the Rocky
Mountains, killing bad guys and collecting suitcases full of millions
of dollars. Oh, and John Lithgow's in it. I am not at all being
facetious when I say the trailer, which plays "O Fortuna"
while people jump off high cliffs, is more rewarding than watching
the movie.
So,
the game? How's the game play?
A
picture can speak a thousand words.
"Yo,
Adrian! This game stinks worse than yellow snow!"
An
obviously last-minute movie-game cash-in, this game is laborious,
tortuous, and near impossible to finish without your brain freezing.
About
the only cool thing in Cliffhanger is, after you beat this
boss, you get to ride his body like a snowboard down a slope of
jagged ice spikes. Death by snowboard is pretty gruesome stuff
for a Nintendo game.
Other
than the human snowboarding scene, your only other reason for
continuing to the end and beating it is to see just how bad the
cut-scenes can get, almost like a Nintendo Mystery Science
Theater 3000. To save you the trouble, here's Cliffhanger's
story as acted out by naked stick figures.
"Is
that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
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