R.O.B.,
or Robotic Operating Buddy, is one of the NES's greatest unsung heroes.
The accessory itself was very inventive (the first of its kind), and
served as another fantastic opportunity for Nintendo to continue their
monstrous market grabbing. However, R.O.B. was discontinued indefinitely
after its first 2 compatible titles-- Gyromite and Stack Up. Replaced
by the Zapper, and later Power Pad, in bundled NESes, R.O.B.'s welcome
into North American homes had come to a close.
I
managed to track down one of the few good remaining conditioned units
for an interview.
NES
Player : Hi, R.O.B., do you think you could possibly answer a few
questions for an old NES fan like myself?
R.O.B.:
(holding a Guinness Irish Stout) BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ME:
All right then. I see quite plainly that you are drunk off your
hinged battery pack lid ass. Lucky for me I have my digital camera
and I, too, am drunk as shit!
As
you can tell, we hit it off without a hitch. He made a deal to do a
quick photo shoot if I restocked its empty scotch supply. I humbly agreed.
At
first it took much coaxing, but I managed to rip the Bacardi from our
Operating Buddy after many attempts on his part to break open the bottle
on top of my head. I'll tell you what, there's nothing worse than drunken,
rejected Nintendo accessory robots. The little bastard has sensory up
his wazoo. (And inside of the wazoo, too.)
Enter
your Intials: _ _ _
Thanks
to the informative backside cart caution labels telling me not to
soak games in water, I knew never to give the Little Mermaid
a voyage under my tub's bubble bath suds again.
But,
what 'bout R.O.B.?
I
inspected his dirty gray plastic body for such a warning; none to
be found at all. Figuring the best way to get rid of a hangover is
to take a shower, I threw him inside the washing machine and turned
on full cycle. (The thing hardly worked before, so I wasn't concerned
if it'd work now.) Afterwards, I proceeded to dry off the the cheap
plastic.
We
had a laugh or two and decided to start the photo shoot.
Mr.
Robotic
came on strong in a deliciously designed straw hat that screamed:
"I am stylish but practical. Hear my cat call, people. Grasp
it." A great start to our photo collection.
I
was beginning to enjoy myself, when suddenly...
He
tore off the hat and savagely began to viciously hump a ceramic
apple pie.
I
explained to my Robotic Buddy that it had done wrong. For punishment
I switched his power off, and ate the apple pie inside of the cermaic
container.
When
I finally decided to turn the power back on, the precious little claws
became attached around my neck as if to hug me. I patted the lower shoulder
and reassured that I still loved my Robotic Operating Buddy and always
will.
It
led me to a piano and insisted on playing a song to play for me. I,
being a fan of the Tom Hanks movie, Big, told R.O.B. to play
Chopsticks. It played wonderfully!
I
asked to hear the tune once again.
R.O.B.
hanged himself at my 11th request to play Chopsticks. I gathered my
belongings and quickly left his apartment.
R.O.B.
will be sorely missed.
