Before
I begin on one of my most ambitious articles yet, I'd like to take this
time out to say flat out that I have never done "illegal drugs"
in any shape or form. Nor have I smoked one cigarette. I chose not to
for many personal reasons. I've seen the addiction friends and family
have gone through. Heard the stories of lying and stealing. Kids in
my high school kicked out and arrested, now holding a permanent stamp
on their record which CAN and WILL be a factor later on in life when
they look for a job. I recall the strong words my cousin once muttered
one night while stumbling for his pack: "Don't ever start this
shit. It's the worst thing in the world."
I'm
not a goodie two-shoes, and not posing to be any better for "SAYING
NO." Hell, after spending so much of my time in the presence
of smokers, I probably have acquired second hand, myself. Addiction
problem? Check. It's called caffeine. Ever tried to suddenly stop
the intake of coffee/soda/anything caffeine abundant for a period
time? I have and gone through the withdrawal which closely follows
that absence.
The
Truth
is we all have our weaknesses and ways to relieve our everyday problems
and social situation.
D.A.R.E.
was such a novel idea. Send a "cool", down-to-earth police
officer (and carrying a gun on their person to bridge the awe) into
classrooms statewide to waste 40 some minutes one day a week on drug
and alcohol awareness.
At
the end of the program, our class, in particular, was asked to write
an essay on how we will live a drug-free life. Somehow mine stood out
from the rest of the mindless dribble and went on to be the winner of
the contest.
Scruff McGruff, himself, presented the honorable mention winners and
me totally rad D.A.R.E. sweatshirts. I was then forced to read out loud
my exceptionally bland writing (that only a seventh grade teacher could
appreciate) to the entire gathered school community.
SCRUFF,
MCGRUFF, CHIGACO ILLINOIS, 60652
It's
nice to realize the millions, perhaps even billions, of hard earned
money is going for such great support efforts that wind out being the
butt of many of our jokes. I would go so far as to say some of the cornier
advertisements PROMOTE drug usage. I'll leave you to figure that one
out.
Go
smoke a blunt, McGruff. RUFF! RUFF!
Videogaming
was in a world of its own amidst all of the 80's and 90's anti-drug
commercialist hubbub. Munching down on wild mushrooms in Super
Mario Brothers was, in fact, encouraged (as we all know). NARC
was more shooter than any kind of propagandic drug message. It wasn't
until American Video Entertainment released the grade-A unlicensed
game titled Wally Bear and the NO! Gang that the NES ever received
awareness treatment. And, as you're about to find out, Wally Bear
proved to outdo the usual awfully scripted government produced drug
literature...to the extreme!
Brace
yourself, as I have put my life on the line to bring to you, my lovely
reader, the most in-depth feature on the Nintendo game Wally Bear
and the NO! Gang currently on the internet.
AVE
Box - Most excellent title screen of bossness
The game begins with some sharp, colorful dialogue between Wally and
his parents. Wally skates off to begin his gnarly, free of drug, mad
cool adventure. Skate across screens and prevent touching nature (flying
seagulls and dogs) and its most ravenous wrath. Make it to the end of
the block and head into the train station. Watch out, though. Trouble's
a foot!
Ricky
Rat? Pills? NARC! Let's save Toby by hopping onto a train car and
single-handedly take out a drug selling gang, unarmed, without notifying
the police. Sounds like a plan, Wal!
Skate
past AVE's blatant advertisements and throw your drug-bashing frisbee
of justice to knock out those villianous crack head rats!
Yeah!
You dumb shit! Toby the 'tard! Toby the 'tard!
Are
you hurt by my constant verbal harassments? That's good, because once
you go against the NO gang, you go against fate. We can and will shellshock
your whole family. Don't test us, turtle. Drug-free is the way to
be. (Or else.)
Pedal
your way to... the right.... EXTREMELY! Dodge the insanely uncool bad
guys and take the subway.
Ricky
the rat needs a-smacking to the extreme 9th power. You know what to
do. Ignore the shameless game promotions and make your way to the end
of the subway car.
It
is good you earned the radio the honest way and did not steal it.
Otherwise, I'd have to beat into you some fine moral reason, dear
friend.
TO
THE EXTREME.
I
found the NO signs to be an overwhelming addition to this realistic
situated, earth shattering game. Skate on, good dude, and deliver the
pain of the anti-drug message to anything obstructing your path.
Quick!
We must stop Larry and his liquor-licking lizards before it's too late!
Hit them with your frisbee to ensure they won't drive or do anything
else for that matter; for a long time. Excellent!
That's
most awar-i-ni-sh of you! Thank you, Stevie, for the advice. As much
as I like delicious candy, this man can be of no good. Trust no one.
Also,
remember to eradicate every bird, dog, rat, and lizard you see. It's
all a part of our master plan.
The
second to last level, the sewers, comes on randomly and is the definite
hardest part of the whole game. Avoid the drips of acid, totally high
bats, and messed up lizards.
Woah!
Witness the weirdest thing you have seen thus far-- mouth tobacco spewing,
evil dude statue heads. Hop from platform to platform and pray you get
by this tricky area.
You're
almost finished the treacherous hike through the sewers. Skate on
over to the second to last column from the right and exit this whack
place!
You're
now back on the streets. Your hardest travels are over with, just
get over to the last building and you're home free.
AHH!
Dejavu! More ugly wallpaper. Why are the drug fighters the ones who
have such lame houses and refuse to wear pants? GOD WHY!?
= 
We've
come all this way only to find out our trusty NO gang has a bong resting
atop their fireplace mantle. Most hideous a crime! Bummer, man.
I
wanted to commit a savage crime while playing the game. You see, that's
what the programmers planned all along. No, not that you'll want to
break the law, but be so disgusted with the game that whenever you
have a run-in with drugs you'll remember this torturous exercise and
maybe turn down any offers you receive.
Now,
if only Wally could cure my caffeine addiction (with help from his
extreme prowess) by such a method. Until then, Coca Cola can continue
to eat my internal organs slowly, but, surely. Drink up!
Thanks
for reading all of that (or skimming). Here's a fun puzzle for you to
finish as a prize.
