Nintendo
Mullets
Mike - 03/23/03
Games from the original Nintendo (NES) are forcing their way back
into the gamer's world thanks to a number of factors.
-
First,
the sufficient number of sequels to older titles on modern consoles
brings the NES back onto the TV screens of gamers complete with updated
graphics and sound.
-
The
Gameboy Advance E-reader and constantly developed portable versions
of past classics have introduced themselves to a whole new audience
of gamers.
-
Unlockable
mini-games on GameCube titles also serve in preservation.
-
And
finally, emulation and the recent surge of auction/flea market collecting
help further the NES mania by allowing once unknown titles to be known
and available to play.
This
is all very real to us as believers of the old school way of life. However,
during the transfer of nostalgia inheritantly opens a Pandora's box
of the possible renewal of other '80s phenomenon. In this case, revival
of a hair trend. The mullet.
The mullet, a once mondo-popular hairstyle of the '80s and early '90s,
has once again "grew back" into the average person's life
and vocabulary. When one sees the hairstyle in public, now one deems
it necessary to inform those around them of its existence. It's the
root of all jokes, and has even revealed itself to be an accepted
style to some select liberal schools. And nearly 9 out of 10 Southerners.
Simply put, mullets are back in the mainstream and they are here to
stay.
By
combining our love for NES games and awe of the mullet, two distinctly
distant worlds, I hope to achieve a happy marriage, which should result
in unsurpassable joys from you, the mullet-radical Nintendo player.
Presented
in order of "Mullet-Meter" (the official international long
hair rating system) scores are five instances of the hair do's
appearances in NES games.
Cabal
is one of Rare's arcade gems. A straight aim-and-shoot shooting game
at heart, Cabal gives action fans exactly what they desire
without any bells or whistles to get in the way. It is also the first
game under the microscope.
Our
hero dons the traditional '80s puffy hair silhouette of short in the
front and long in the back; the classic mullet growth pattern. Despite
the low score on the scale, this bad-ass, shoot'em up, no-faced mother
is in a period of growing one of the most impressive mullets seen
in any video game to date. For that alone, I give my blessing.
#4.
Simon Belmont - Castlevania II
Mullet-Meter:
Spread
the news, dear villagers. The Vampire Hunter doth hast a mulleth upon
his head.
Veterans
of the Castlevania series may have dismissed Simon's graphical
tress during the "bad ending" of the second CV NES title,
Simon's Quest. But I, hair admirer extraordinaire, was fascinated
at such long blonde hair amidst a lackluster ending. (*%%%SPOILER
ALERT%%%*: HE DONE DIES!)
I
continue to search for answers as to why it has been deemed the worst
ending when his mullet presence ranks it as one of the NES's best.
#3.
Robin Hood - Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Mullet-Meter:
 
Kevin
"LAND IS NOT A MYTH" Costner once had a movie actor career.
Just once. Now during this short-lived array of acting jobs he assumed
lead role of a Hollywood update of the original Robin Hood. This film,
which granted wasn't half-bad the first time viewing it, spawned a
NES-based game of the same name; Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
Those
reading who have played the game know of its shockingly unrealistic
digital representations of Costner, Morgan Freeman, and the rest of
the cast. These grainy resolution images were shown during speech
and cut scenes.
Robin
Hood in particular is a grossly dissimilar look to his subsequent
film portrayal. The romantic kiss ensuing at the end scene is more
than enough to have the game mentioned as #3 on our list. Who cares
if it looks nothing like Kevin "I DANCE WITH WOLVES" Costner,
that's an impressive assault of hair.
Wonder
at Robin's thick wave of mullet. Wonder, damnit.
#2.
Billy & Jimmy Lee - Double Dragon, II, III
Mullet-Meter:
The
pioneers of senseless video game violence. A
poem.
Although
I doubt the two of you could even amount to Tyson's smarts,
Pro-women's rights activism show your good guy hearts.
The
flowing mullets flap and soar,
As the wind from delivered fly-kicks bring down Abobo more.
Oh,
Billy and Jimmy Lee,
The wounds you have inflicted unto me,
Make it hard to pee.
BONUS
PICKS: FULLET (f l  t)
1.
a fictious mullet; a fake mullet
Before
we head on to the top pick, let's take a look at the nominees that didn't
quite live up to the steep competition.
Master Higgins, Adventure Island
Hero, Crystalis
Audience, Fester's Quest
Peter Pan, Peter Pan and the Pirates
Nova, Power Blade
Alien kids, Startropics
Trojan, Trojan
Werewolf, Werewolf: The Last Warrior
AND
NOW TO OUR NUMBER ONE PICK.....
#1.
Bowser - Super Mario Bros. 3
 
Mullet-Meter:
(Surprise
ending alert!) Bowser went through a complete metamorphosis since
his first game appearance, and thusly deserves to be recognized for
this change.
Super
Mario Bros. 3 was a landmark in Nintendo history in all respects:
Commercially, financially, playability, and... hair. Okay not the
greatest segway I have ever done, but the turtle-shelled King Koopa
grew himself the absolute most lucious lock of hair ever seen on the
small screen. It looked like he just got back from touring with an
eighties hair band like Twisted Sister or something (which would also
explain the lame absence from Super Mario 2). His evilness
seemed to flow from it, manipulating his maniacal plans.
It's
only right for one of the best video games on the system to also have
the mightiest hair. Unfortunately after Mario's victory over Bowser,
he discovered the nineties and lost the back. We can only hope now for
the look to come back, and for Koopa to grow once more the mullet.
For
the mullet forever reigns free. And the reading NES player screams with
glee: "I now have to pee!"
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