WARNING:
THIS PAGE CONTAINS SOME NUDITY & SEXUAL INNUENDO. SO IF YOU'RE
OFFENDED BY PIXELATED IMAGES OF NAKED PEOPLE, THEN GO AWAY.
Here's something important that everybody needs to know about me:
I like video games. As a kid growing up in the 1980s & 90s, video
games were an important part of social bonding. My friends & I
would go to each other's houses for the sole purpose of watching each
other play video games & holding tournaments & other game-related
crap that I don't feel like listing.
Here's something even more important that everybody needs to know
about me: I'm a boy. Boys have Y-chromosomes. And with Y-chromosomes
comes the natural habit of having dirty, perverted thoughts. And if
you tie that in with the love of video games that I shared with my
other Y-chromosome-infested childhood companions, what do you get?
I'll tell you what you get. Good website content, that's what.
And so, I present to you said good website content in the form of
what I like to call...
THE POP ROCKS & COKE
VIDEO GAME INNUENDO GALLERY!
This particular feature will be added to from time to
time, as I collect more screen shots worthy of showing here.
Most of the time, these perverted moments in video games
come about as a result of the differences between cultures, namely
Japan, the video game capital of the known universe. In Japan, it's
acceptable to be a total pervert. In fact, it's quite normal. Their
Saturday morning cartoon line up consists mostly of shows about girls
with short skirts, long legs, & magic wands. And their video games
consist mostly of naked teenagers hanging out in the sauna, as seen
below.
River City Ransom (NES)
While most of this game is spent roaming about the city trying to
save your kidnapped girlfriend, even heroes need to take a break once
in a while. As luck would have it, there are plenty of strip malls
along the way so you can order fast food, buy CD's, check out books
from the library, & buy teddy bears... all essential keys to saving
the city from the groups of students & evil mob bosses that terrorize
it. And of course, there's no better way to relieve tension than to
hit the local sauna & spend a half hour that you'd otherwise spend
rescuing your girlfriend to instead pretend she's giving you a back
massage in the jungle. Ah, the pinnacle of high school life.
Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! (NES)
Believe it or not, the perversion in this game had absolutely nothing
to do with Mike Tyson. In fact, at the time this game was made, he
was actually a well respected boxer. This, of course, was before he
came out of the cannibalistic rapist closet, which is sort of like
the gay closet, only instead of leather pants, ketchup. When you fought
Iron Mike at the end of Punch Out, he didn't bite your ear or slap
you across the face or anything. Instead... get this... he punched
you a lot. My point is, the innuendo in this game was brought to us
by two lesser known fighters.
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It is written somewhere in the Big Book of Video Game Rules
that every fighting game has to include a fat guy. In Punch
Out, that fat guy is King Hippo. If you manage to suck
enough to have to go to Round 2, you'll receive a secret hint
from your manager, played by TV's Reginald VelJohnson!
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"Guess what, Harriet... your opponent has a weakness!
Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!"
Well, you've seen the bandage on his belly button, but
you thought that was to keep people from getting lost inside it.
It turns out that if you punch King Hippo in the mouth,
his pants fall down, & not only do you have a clear view of his
tighty whities, but you also have a clear shot at his injured navel.
How one injures a navel is beyond me. Maybe he stuck a pencil in it
& accidentally punctured himself.
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And now... presenting Super Macho Man &
his amazing jiggling man boobies!
Here we see Super Macho Man trying to show you
that he's so buff that he can make his pecs do a little dance.
But of course, when you're an 8 year old who spends most of
recess telling wiener jokes, this was among the funniest things
you've ever seen in a video game.
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Super Punch Out!! (Super NES)
If you happened to really suck at Super Punch Out, Bear
Hugger would totally take advantage of you in all the ways you
wish he wouldn't. But don't give up yet! Keep training, & you'll
be able to release all of those suppressed emotions onto poor, sexually
confused Heike Kagero!
WCW Wrestling (NES)
I cheated with this one. Finding something perverted
in a wrestling game is like finding a needle in a haystack that's
made entirely out of needles. So moving right along...
Contra (NES)
Confused? Well, I was blessed with a pretty vivid imagination, &
at 8 years old, finding raunchy second meanings to everything came
natural to me. My friends & I had somehow established that the
purple creatures in the last level of Contra were evil alien boobs,&
that the white, flaky stuff they spit at you was actually poison alien
milk.
Needless to say, we thought this part was hilarious.
By now you're probably wondering when I'm going to get to the intentionally
perverted games, like Custer's Revenge & Bubble Bath
Babes. Frankly, that's covered territory, so if you want your
pixel porn, you're going to want to head over to Seanbaby's coverage
of the 10
Naughtest Games Ever.
Ok, fine... but just one!
Cho Eniki (Super Famicom)
This has got to be the most horrible finishing move ever. If I was
in a fight with somebody & he did that to me, I'd be scarred for
life. Anytime someone would even clench their fist after that, I'd
curl up into a ball & cry in agony. Oh, & by the way, this
game is chock full of nothing but naked muscle guys, & all the
finishing moves involve similar forms of sodomy. What I'm trying to
say is that the screen shot is exactly what it looks like. So when
I say that this game is totally gay, I'm not misusing that adjective.
I'm serious. This game is totally gay.
Now back to having to use our imaginations the old fashioned
way.
Monster Party (NES)
My friend Bobby had the privilege of being the one of about 10 people
to have purchased this game. It was that bad, even when we were kids.
Now the innuendo in this game is pretty brief, & due to our lack
of (ahem) knowledge at such a young age, we totally missed it. But
I recently played the game again, & now that I'm a perverted 21-year-old,
it hit me immediately.
In the picture above, we have a pair of legs sticking up from the
ground. That's pretty raunchy already, if you think hard enough.
And here we have some statues sticking their tongues
out. Also good material with a little thought. Now, put the two together...
BINGO!
Dream Factory: Doki Doki Panic (Famicom)
You might remember this as the game that would eventually
become Super Mario Bros. 2. In the ending sequence of the original
version, our heroes gather atop the cage containing their kidnapped
children as the Subcons send a comatose Wart crowd surfing to his...
hey, wait a minute!
Why aren't those kids wearing any pants?! So there was
a method to Wart's madness this whole time! That's horrible.
Super Street Fighter II (Super NES)
Thanks to NEO from A
Broken Crate for reminding me of this one. Chun Li has
just learned the secret to throwing a great fireball. It's all in
the hips. And it looks like her fireball is so powerful, that her
skirt goes flying up in a gust of wind. Of course, I can't blame her.
A good Fireball just has that effect on women. Ba-dump-tsss!
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Then there's Cammy over here in her full body thong.
She's so happy at your ability to control her to victory, that
she invites you to check out her butt, complete with a little
smile & wink. Oh, those English army girls.
Actually, I have to say that Cammy was a lot better looking
in the Alpha series. In this game, she looks like a stick figure
with a hat. And a full body thong.
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The thing about girls in fighting games, though, is
that they're supposed to look sexy. That's how they're designed. This
next offender, however, is also a girl in a fighting game, but the
perversion here isn't on the surface. It requires your head to be
in the gutter.
Street Fighter Alpha 3 (Dreamcast)
This girl's name is Karin. Don't let that innocent
face fool you. She's a spoiled rich snob who has to have everything
she wants, including her own, unique spelling of her name. Now, check
out what she has to say when she beats you...
Oh, so that's how she does it, eh? Dirty tramp. And
that's not all, friends.
Now that's just inexperience talking there. You're supposed
to ask that BEFORE you start beating me! Karin must be new at this.
That outfit just isn't doing it for me at all.
THIS JUST IN...
Chun Li has something else to contribute. Here's a cut scene from
her ending in Super Street Fighter II...
And it's not just the ladies who are perverted in Street
Fighter games. Big chief T. Hawk has a big surprise for his
defeated opponents as well.
No wonder Dee Jay has such a worried look on his face.
Hey, while we're talking about Capcom games, here's another one.
Mega Man 3 (NES)
Alright, we all had a slight chuckle at Wood Man, & maybe
even Flash Man, but there's absolutely no avoiding a robot
master named Hard Man. What was going through Dr. Wily's mind when
he decided he needed to build this guy?! He even looks phallic. And
his attack involves him ramming his head through the ground. It's
obvious that Dr. Wily built Hard Man in hopes that he would sexually
frustrate Mega Man & make him have nightmares for years. Nice
try, old man.
Dick Tracy (NES)
As if the dude's name doesn't conjure up a chuckle from
10 year old boys everywhere, Breathless Mahoney, who for some
reason looks absolutely nothing like Madonna did in the movie, spends
the whole game teasing Tracy with taunts like "Quick, take off my
clothes!"
Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's
Stone
(Game Boy Advance)
If you're a Harry Potter fan, you might want to divert
your attention to these screen shots...
Don't say I didn't warn you.
The Legend Of Zelda
The Zelda series happens to be my all time favorite,
so I couldn't pass up the opportunity to exploit it for all it's worth.
To pick out all the times a Zelda game made me go, "Huh-huh. That
was cool," I'd have to count to zero, because I'm not Beavis. But
assuming I was, the number would be a lot higher, & frankly, I
don't want to spend that much time on it. So I'll just take a few
scenes that immediately come to mind.
The first one is in Zelda II: the Adventure of Link, when
Link enters a town. He meets up with a woman in a red dress strutting
outside of her little house. Link approaches her & she invites
him to "PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU. COME INSIDE." She slowly makes her
way to the door, & if Link follows her in before she shuts it,
all you see is the woman saying, "I CAN RESTORE YOUR LIFE!" My friends
& I had several theories about how exactly she restored Link's
life, & we made sure to make the appropriate noises whenever Link
entered the darkened doorway.
Later on Link met up with an old lady glowing orange with radiation,
& when he followed her into her house, she gave him magic. Ewwww!!
This next bit comes from the Nintendo 64 game, Ocarina of Time,
when Link wakes up after 7 years & is a young adult. First off,
when he wakes up, he's wearing tights & has his ears pierced,
neither of which were present when he was a kid. And the only sign
of life around is a creepy old man in a robe named Rauru. He looks
a bit out of breath, & frankly, I was too scared to jump to conclusions.
So I just smiled & nodded as he told me about how I'm destined
to save Hyrule & stuff.
Then, my dear friends, Link makes his way out of the Temple of Time
& to the Ghost Shop at the remains of the castle entrance. The
freaky dude in the Ghost Shop talks for a bit, & then starts going
off about how strong & handsome I am. And then he adds this...
Wait a minute... WHAT?!
"If I looked as good as you, I could run a different
kind of business...heh he heh..." Wow. A lot of people think it's
funny when video games are badly translated into English & contain
lines such as "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!" or "CONGRATULATION!!
A WINNER IS YOU!!" But this, by far, gets my vote for best video game
quote of all time.
Here's one from Link's Awakening. Hey Tarin,
stop staring at my crotch, dude. No, seriously. You're creeping me
out.
This one from A Link To The Past introduces you
to one of Link's most prized posessions.
Super Mario Land (Game Boy)
Mario is so happy to finally find his precious Princess
Daisy, he starts screaming her name.
Casino Kid (NES)
This one was brought to my attention by Senior Satan
of A Broken
Crate. I don't think they mentioned this anywhere in the Big Book
of How to Totally Win at Gambling. Maybe they should add that.
Super Smash Bros. Melee (Gamecube)
After this slip of the tongue, Yoshi & Zelda settled
their differences, dropped out of the tournament, & found a nice,
quiet castle to spend the night.
Ring King (NES)
Here's another boxing game, featuring those crazy ringside
crew guys preparing their fighters for the next round the only way
they know how.
Kid Niki 3 (Famicom)
My friend Rene sent me a copy of this game that was
only released in Japan. Here in the States, we only got one Kid Niki
game. It was called Kid Niki: Radical Ninja. But apparently Japan
got some sequels, including this little gem. The perverted moment
in this game at the beginning of Level 2...
NO... IT CAN'T BE!!!
Oh, but it is. It's a little naked statue. And it...
it's shooting at you! I'm speechless. This is the kind of stuff you
can only get away with in Japan.
And that concludes today's episode. Was it as good for
you as it was for me? Probably not, but just pretend. For me.
RESPECT: A couple of these screen shots were
ganked from Zany
Video Game Quotes & Something
Awful.
