E-mail Pranks

-Lisker

NES Cleaning
This is a pretty self-explanatory one. I asked Nintendo if it would be a good idea to use a washing machine to clean a NES system. Which it of course isn't. However, for a person seemingly quite stupid, I was taken very seriously with my dilemna. The Nintendo help process, I found, was a very long and confusing path to take, filled with drugs, sex, and priceless advice.

From: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Reply-To: Red_Diablos@tekken.cc
To: nintendo@noa.nintendo.com
Subject: A question
Date: Sat, 10 Aug 2002 13:39:59 -0700
Is it alright to put the system in a washing machine to clean it?

I don't have the full message, but I have the general response saved.

Hello and thank you for contacting Nintendo, No, you can not put any of the Nintendo systems in the washing machine to clean them. If you need information on cleaning, we suggest that you use the Nintendo Cleaning Kit designed for the system that you have.

They flatly stated that I shouldn't use a washing machine to clean a NES. Too bad I'm too stupid to listen.

From: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Reply-To: Red_Diablos@tekken.cc
To: nintendo@noa.nintendo.com
Subject: Game problem
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 2002 13:45:25 -0800
Hi, I earlier sent you a question about using the washing machine to clean my system, and you didn't recommend it, but I did it anyway. It works fine, but for some reason there are these lines that always appear on the screen whenever I play. Can you recommend a solution?

From: Nintendo <nintendo@noa.nintendo.com>
To: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Subject: Re : Game System Problem
Date: Sun, 5 Jan 2003 06:21:41 --800

Thank you for contacting Nintendo,

We would like to be able to assist you; however, Nintendo of America Inc. provides product support for the United States and Canada only. For assistance in finding the authorized Nintendo distributor for your country, please visit the Corporate area of our web site at www.nintendo.com. Click on Company Connection, and then International and National Distributors.

Sincerely,

Nintendo of America Inc.
Elvina Schwab

For the United States and Canada only? I never recall saying I wasn't from the U.S. so where the hell did that come from? Well, being a bit confused, I took her advice and tried another address.

From: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Reply-To: Red_Diablos@tekken.cc
To: repair@noa.nintendo.com
Subject: System Repair
Date: Sun, 5 Jan 2003 09:21:42 -0800
Hey, I have a problem, and a long story short, I tried to clean my NES by putting it in a washing machine, and now it has some problems when I play it, I contacted another e-mail address for this site, but they referred me to you. Can you help me fix my NES?

From: Nintendo Repair <repair@noa.nintendo.com>
To: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Subject: Re : System Repair
Date: Mon, 6 Jan 2003 11:46:49 --800
Hi there.

Good question. First, I wanted to let you know that electronic products should never be cleaned with any type of liquid. For complete repair information, please visit the Customer Service section of our web site at www.nintendo.com. Below is the direct address to our Customer Service area:
http://www.nintendo.com/consumer/
Once you're on our Customer Service page, select your system, then select the appropriate category and follow the directions.
If you have already visited the Consumer Service section of our web siteand did not find what you are looking for, or if you need additional assistance, please contact our Consumer Service Department by calling 1-800-255-3700. Our representatives are available between 6:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. Pacific Time, Monday through Saturday, or 6:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. Sunday. Generally, the best time to reach us is between 1:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. PST, Monday through Friday, or anytime during the weekend.
There you go. Please note that due to the age of the NES, and the condition that it's in, there's no guarantee it can get repaired. But we can certainly give it a try.
Nintendo of America Inc.
Thom Sumner

Heh, "good question". You've got to give them credit for being incredibly tolerant with incompetant morons. Surprisingly, the guide he referred me to said nothing about cleaning a system with a washing machine. I was in a serious crisis, and getting desperate, so I tried again at the same address.

From: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Reply-To: Red_Diablos@tekken.cc
To: Nintendo Repair <repair@noa.nintendo.com>
Subject: System Repair
Date: Mon, 6 Jan 2003 15:18:42 -0800
You referred me to the consumer section for my dilemna concerning my NES system which I used the washing machine to clean, but I'm afraid it says nothing concerning what I want to find out. Could you explain what actions I should take when my system has water in it?

From: Nintendo Repair <repair@noa.nintendo.com>
To: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Subject: Re : System Repair
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2003 10:57:17 --800

Message(#6851-000094-8917\948917)

Hello and thank you for contacting Nintendo,

If you have already visited the Consumer Service section of our web site
and did not find what you are looking for, or if you need additional assistance, please contact our Consumer Service Department by calling 1-800-255-3700. Our representatives are available between 6:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. Pacific Time, Monday through Saturday, or 6:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. Sunday. Generally, the best time to reach us is between 1:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. PST, Monday through Friday, or anytime during the weekend.

Thank you,
Nintendo of America Inc.
Joel Nicholson

Well, that was a very cold, unfriendly, and impersonal message. Joel, you offend me. Refusing to give up, I tried again, in dire search of an answer.

From: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Reply-To: Red_Diablos@tekken.cc
To: Nintendo Repair <repair@noa.nintendo.com>
Subject: Re: Re : System Repair
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2003 14:04:50 -0800
Hi, I asked what I should do about my NES that I cleaned using a washing machine, as it now has water in it. What should I do? My friend said that I should try to get the water out, but I decided I should ask for your advice before I do anything stupid.

From: Nintendo Repair <repair@noa.nintendo.com>
To: Red Diablos <Red_Diablos@tekken.cc>
Subject: Re: Re : System Repair
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 07:26:14 --800
Hello,
Since water and electronics don't really mix, using a washing machine to "clean" your NES may have caused it to stop working. If letting the system air dry for a few days doesn't seem to help, it may need to be sent to us or taking to a local service center for a repair. To learn more about how to get your system possibly repaired, check out http://www.nintendo.com/consumer/systems/nes/index.jsp,
or give us a call at 1-800-255-3700. We are here seven days a week from 6am-9pm PST. Hopefully we can help you and get that classic NES up and running again.

Nintendo of America Inc.
Stephen Scott

It...it was the WATER that caused it to stop working! And all this time....What a fool I've been! And so, my answer has finally been found, (though you can't blame me for not figuring it out, I mean, how was I supposed to know that water is harmful to electronics?) I felt fulfilled. It was a difficult quest to find such a simple answer, searching through detours, redirections, and completely unhelpful advice, but, in the end, I found, the system really does work!
*Additionally, not that Stephen said "it may need to be sent to us or taking to a local service center for repair". 'Taking to', Stephen? Ah, I see you need to brush up on your English, my friend!

Random Emails

To Nintendo:
Is it alright to put the system in a washing machine to clean it?
Response:
Hello and thank you for contacting Nintendo, No, you can not put any of the Nintendo systems in the washing machine to clean them. If you need information on cleaning, we suggest that you use the Nintendo Cleaning Kit designed for the system that you have.

To Digital Press HQ:
I enjoy visiting your site, but I am very offended by your depiction of a woman on the main page in such a sleazy manner. I am in a relationship at the current time, and I don't like it when I have to see something like that when I just want to look up gaming info.
Response:
Hello, I appreciate your feedback but there's nothing "sleazy" about this unless you've actually clicked on the girl's picture! We only show Ariel to those who want to look. Otherwise, she's just a face on the main page - innocent and charming.

To Sega:
So now that you're going under, what games are you making for the x-box? everyone knows that the x-box is the most state-of-the-art system to date. Period. Due to the American superiority in the field of electronics, the system is unmatched by any foreign marketing. The amount of graphical images available on-screen is mind-blowing. And the price, what a deal. I suggest you jump on the bandwagon and make a sonic xbox game, my friend. You still have time if you hurry.
Response:
Dear Mr. Wendel [I went undercover], Thank you for e-mailing Sega Technical Support. We appreciate your suggestions. Please check www.sega.com under Xbox for our latest release dates. Thank you and have a nice day.

To IGN:
i like whenever you show pictures of women that you think are atractive, i like that, it makes me feel funny. you should have two or three women at once each month, and have them holding each other, i like that. thank you for your site, i like the game news you give me.
Response:
hahahaa... alrite (we like those too)... we'll see what we can do

To Capcom:
megaman is awesome! he's a kid just like me, hyper fast and cool to the touch! when is the next megaman game coming out for the playstation? I heard it's supposed to be called Megaman 9. I look forward to it!
Response:
Thank you for contacting Capcom. As of now, we have made no announcements regarding the release of a new Mega Man game for the PlayStation One console. We will be sure to let you and all our avid fans out there know of any new developments as they arise. You should also continue to monitor our web site for the latest information regarding Promotions, New Game Releases, and Industry News.
MY Response:
LIAR!

To gamespot.com:
I appreciate how you have made yourselves a pay-site in order to cut off the commoners. I come from an esteemed family and enjoy playing video games, but not if it's a common practice, which is why I am glad to finally have a site which is for me.
Response:
Hello, Thanks for your e-mail. We appreciate that you have taken the time to write us. It's great to know that we have readers out there who appreciate the work we do here at GameSpot.

To videogamereview.com:
I don't agree with your review of Luigi's Mansion, it stank.
Response:
<grin> -- we don't write reviews. All we do is collect reviews from gamers..
MY Response:
...bitch.

Failed Responses(due to a-hole addressees):
To Konami:
I am 11 years old and am a fan of metal gear solid. I loved metal gear son of liberty, but mom said it is too violent. I don't like to have to turn off the blood, it adds to the fun, but i cant with her. so can you make it less violent next time, it tempts me?

To gamefaqs.com:
you say we cant say what we want, but what lets you say that? on the message board you can never stop me from saying what I want to say, so im going to say what i want to say, just you wait, ha ha he!!!11

To a random sprite site:
yeah, I was wondering if you could get any sprites of Panesian games.
(Panesian games are pornographic video games for the NES. I would appreciate some sprites of characters.)

To Game Informer:
I love you guys! I love how you always show pictures of yourselves, that is so cool! You are my gods! Screw gaming, I want to see your zany adventures! From one crazy guy to another, whoopity-whoo!

To pokemon.com(prank #1):
I have never played pokemon before, please send me a copy at 1109 2nd Street, in San Dimas, California.

To pokemon.com(prank #2):
I am a concerned parent with two children at age 9 and 11, and they have spent hours on end just playing those games and watching the show instead of doing chores or their homework. I understand you have to make a living, but I feel that their level of addiction to your product is getting in the way of their performance. I have raised my children well, yet they don't even seem to hear me when they're playing on their Game Boy. I don't want to be a tough parent, but I am very upset with what your pokemon merchandise have done with both my children's free time and work time, so please, stop making your merchandise, or I shall be forced to take legal action.

To a generic game-sales site:
Hi, do you have any Panesian games for the NES for sale?

To some piece of **** site(any site that ignores me is a piece of ****!):
What was Microsoft thinking, guys? This system is complete crap, and they knew it. I haven't seen one good game come out for it except DOA 3, and that's only due to its use of boobies. When are they just going to cut their losses, I want to spank Bill Gates.