Hello, NES fans and welcome to episode one of NES Hardball!
To join today's panel is the webmaster of the Sub-Con Lair, Lisker!
Welcome to Hardball, Lisker! I'm glad we could have you on the first episode. I know that your website has gone through a new phase, please tell us a little about the new and improved Sub-Con.
Hello, kids! Let's have FUN! But about the site, as you're probably not aware, I once called it The NES Sprites Archives...I hated the title.
Ah, I remember.
But my agent said go with it, so...I did. You probably don't know, unless you check the jerks section, but back then, the site, being so unpopular, was insulted by the entire ROM2K forum. ROM2K...you probably have never heard of them. It's a collection of RPG Gamers talking about RPG Maker & sites that they criticize, not having any websites of their own...like those failed writers who become book critics.
Well, you've improved the site 200% by adding much needed humor and comics.
No, the site genuinely sucked, as I can realize now, so I'd say 500%.
Heh.
One more question I have before going right into our first discussion: Who is this "Timmy" found as the author of many of your site's comics?
TIMMY...oh YES, the little SPAWN..
People LIKE his work....But it's TRASH, I tell you! That NEMO comic! My GOD!!! So 'suggestive'.
BUT who IS this guy?
I cannot answer your question with an answer.
I sense juicy details.
I, frankly, can't even tell if he's 10 or 100. You've SEEN pics of him.

I respect that so we'll move right along here..

The reason why I changed the name of the site in the first place was to get less sprite-focused, which most people only checked out at my site...

...and many people said I needed more content.

Truthful, really.

Our first topic today, and one that shall start a tradition to ask all my NES webmaster guests, is your opinion of the quality of the NES Scene. I hope that hearing different responses and opinions may help current and future people associated with online NES tributes.

MY OPINION...

Don't hold anything back now..

Well, I think, that most people couldn't tell a good NES site if it snuck up behind them, gave them a wedgie, and slept with their mother...

...and father.

Harsh words, explain further.

People seem to be obsessed with AGE, and nothing more.

I assume you'd be talking about the tsr's and NES World kind-of sites.

I've seen TONS of NES sites that are classics such as NES City and Warp Zone(tell 'em Liskey sent ya) just withering, despite being GREAT sites. Well, I don't want to give out any NAMES...

...but they ARE there......

...and they're WATCHING US...............

The Major League Baseball Assoication?

Ummm nevermind..

You're just PARANOID, my friend.

Yes, sadly. So. What can we do about this NES site problem?

But there is no REAL solution, short of most people taking the time to check out sites that actually UPDATE.

How can newcomers attract more site vistors?

I've heard content..

..and humor...

I've tried everything.Content, got lots of that; humor, yes, and links with others.

Search engines. Getting to KNOW the NES gamers out there.

Boards and online chats are a great way.

Though I just visit message boards because the gamefaqs forums were so dull. Another problem, is that people might SAY your site's good, but apparantly, not good enough to VISIT...

Which brings us into other issues that we will not address...

Not today, at least.

...tomorrow? I'll probably be GONE then.

Somewhere. Over the rainbow.

NOW--to the main focus of today:

Today we will be discussing a game adventure where you go around kicking, punching, and shooting countless Iraqis while listening to remixes of the snake dance! How could this game not be a hit with players everywhere?

It's a classic!

So, Lisk. May I call you Lisk?

Liskey.

Or Lisker.

OK, Lisk, why do you hold Operarion Secret Storm in such high regard?

It's a classic blatant use of propaganda! The game itself is #@$!ing hillarious!

The IDEA that Iraq is run by three fat guys who change into helicopters..or has fire-spitting camels...

In my opinion, everything in the game is mediocre aside from some of the thought behind it.

No, not really.

The control's so slick! And that tune is a classic!

Yes, well that's just me. I think we've been neglecting the rest of the panel. What is everyone else's feelings about the game?

I hate you Liquidy Lover.

.....they hate it.

Or they just hate me.

*Groxx pushes Pause button on Grim Reaper*

How 'bout you, Art?

Why thoust slay thy mightiest Hussein?

Um.. Lisk, do you want to handle this?

I kinda seem to be killing the hero a lot.

I've got some old photos...

Love bein' a terrorist!

I see.. disturbing.

Error?

I am Error.

Well, this discussion is dulling quite quickly.

Oh I almost forgot.. Guy from Excitebike.

How do you feel about the game?

I-I-I-I DA DA DA DA DA DUM DUM DUM-

...oh my.

WTF????

Da-da-da DUMB! And speaking of speech problems, how's it going LISPer. HA HA HA!

SADDAM HUSSEIN!

YOU!!!

HA HA HA. Silly, stupid American scum! I spit on your Reebox and FUBU design wear! While your leader was getting head from a raunchy slut, I was planning more missle silos pointed at Walt Disney Land. HA HA HA.

NOT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!

I would have never guessed to see Saddam make an appearance while we were conviently talking about a game that fully involved his life.

Who writes this shitty script, anyway?

That's ME! Gwahahahaha! What up S. H. dawg.

Yo cat. How's it been?

Well my baby's momma been holding me down.

I feel that!

Ahem. If I may, can we get back on the subject that's at hand?

It's scum like you that gets me so....

That's it, I'm takin' 'im!!!

HA HA. Stupid, flithy, Burger King-filled, wee-wee head, American PIGS! I've been using 50 NES systems to power my nuclear testings! Until I got a new toy...

IT BUUURNS! IT BUUUUUURNS!! YOU COMMIE SOCIOPATH. PUT THAT FINE, QUALITY SONY PRODUCT AWWWWWWWWWWAY! REDRUM...REDRUM!!

LET MY SYSTEMS GO!!!!!

With 128-bit graphics and CPU, ancient 8-bit characters like yourselves are...OBSOLETE.

You dispeciual monster, putting a top-selling Playstation 2 picture on a fully NES-related website!!!

So you want NESes, huh? Then turn your purtrid eyes to what is powering some of my many missle silos..

MONSTER! Nintendo was made strictly for fun filled entertainment and anti-social teenagers!

HA HA HA. Let me put my brand new DVD game, Krash Bandicoot 22: The New Adventure, into my PS2.

Stop this madness! Sure Krash is a fun, lovable creature that stars in numerous enjoyable gaming adventures, but NOT on my NES website!

*Playstation 2 Start up Music*

FEEL THE POWER OF 3-D GRAPHICS OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

Quickly Lisker, you're the only person that still plays Operation Secret Storm! If you beat the game you'll defeat him and his guards.

*Krash Bandicoot's Main Screen Pops Up. Saddam presses the start button*

PLEASE WAIT LOADING...

You have some time Lisker. It's one of the Playstation's notoriously long loading screens!

(Lisker Playing)

It's working! The guards are starting to disappear! KEEP PLAYING DAMN YOU!

.....I NEVER BEAT IT!!!

KEEP AT IT!

I....I can do this....

FIND THE WARP, JIMMY!!!

I MEAN-- GO LISKER!!

(Hours Later..)

DIE, DAMN Y-What?

What...

IT's....IT'S....

NOOOOO!!!!

*watches in horror as Timmy once again saves the day*

Yay Timmy!

*Hussein starts to dissolve in space*

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY????????????

Why....WHY must I ALWAYS be outdone...

....by.......TIMMY........

I'll.......get you....I SWEAR IT....

I'm meeeelting, meeeeeelting. Oh, what a world!

YAY FOR TIMMY!

That should have been MY murder victim!

...............................................*sniff*

Thanks to TIMMY's ...and Lisker's... many hours of playing Operation Secret Storm we've defeated Hussein and his henchmen. I don't think anyone else could have done it...actually no one really could have since no one else would play it for that long. Eh- the important part is that we saved the world and had a good time.

......good TIME...BAH!!!

What's today's lesson for the kids, Lisker?

.......TIMMY........

*sniff*.......

Kill......Timmy..... *waves fist in the air* I'll GET YOU, Timmy!!!!!!!!!!

..........

....what next?

Nothing. Any closing comments?

.............yes. Visit good sites, stay away from Timmy comics.

....cause he's pure evil.

Where can people find The Sub-Con Lair?

http://embark.to/nes

...the last time I checked.

OK then.

...ok.

I think we all learned something special today.

I am Error.

Except maybe Error.

I...didn't learn ANYTHING.

Or Lisker.

...I KNEW that.

But I did--

...well, uh.....

I learned that drugs are bad.

I...prepared some JOKES...

If anyone wants to hear them...

AH, I think we have maybe a minute.. go ahead.

Joke 1: Anyone seen a 50-foot monster?

She's my WIFE. Ha haa!

..ha hah.

...........

Ok, I think that's all the time we have for today.

........wtf is wrong with you people? Wife jokes kill.

Until next time...

Hey, I'm not done yet!

Don't....don't leave me in the dark here, I....

I guess we could address one more thing important thing--

...yes?

Your site?

Isn't that girl from 7th Heaven hot as hell?

The young one?

Any of them (minus the 6 year old)!

...sure........not the....6 year-old....

Heh heh...

...heh.

....

...

Yes, well I see this is getting drastically long, SO, it's time to end the show.

BYE BYE EVERYONE! JOIN US NEXT TIME!

Bye, kids, don't forget...

(...just save yourself the time of checking out this site and visit MINE!)

............curtains fall.........................

.......just.......just a joke...

I think that went well

Are we done?

Yes, sir.

'BOUT TIME!

Entertaining those pasty-faced losers, bah!@