MEGA MAN 2 (F.X. Nine)
REVIEW for NES Player

Of all the video games out there, who thought Mega Man would make decent literature, or, at least, bearable light reading? An idiot, that's who. An idiot who certainly hasn't touched a Mega Man video game in his life. Mega Man 2, the novel, is, to put it simply, exactly how it sounds - a joke. It's also the most laborious and tedious 73 pages I have ever had the misfortune to waste my eye sight on.

The book is an inspiration to bad writers everywhere for it has more errors and flaws than is coincidentally possible. It's as if this were the mission of the author to fuck everything up to get back at the children of the world. A bad childhood, maybe? The biggest problem of them all is that it suffers being much too formulaic. If you haven't read the summary of the story yet, I'll explain everything by illustrating my point in the same formula the book follows: Dr. Wily is back with 8 new evil robots to take over universe. Mega Man sets off to save the universe. Mega Man enters Metal Man's world and beats Metal Man. Mega Man enters Bubble Man's world and beats Bubble Man. Mega Man enters Air Man's world and beats Air Man. Mega Man enters Crash Man's world and beats Crash Man. Mega Man enters Wood Man's world and beats Wood Man. Mega Man enters Quick Man's world and beats Quick Man. Mega Man enters Dr. Wily's world and beats Dr. Wily. Mega Man saves the universe.

Where in the world is the use of a creative license when you need it? I'll admit, the beginning chapter, telling about the origins of Mega Man, was a great start; but then things quickly go downhill from there to following way too closely to the actual game that has a rather non-existant storyline to begin with. Only at the end is the interesting initial idea of Mega Man coming to terms with being a living person thrown in, belittling the "human" condition of Mega Man to an afterthought. You can sense the utter disgust the author must have felt when he found out that in the battle before last Mega Man has to face all of the 8 bosses as clones over again. The writer deals with the second battles of the robots by covering each one in nothing more than a sentence.

"I let the air out of him!"

He canceled Crash Man.

He blew up Bubble Man.

He mowed down Metal Man.

He flattened Flash Man.

He wiped out Wood Man.

He made Quick Man quit.

And finally, he harpooned Heat Man.

Furthermore, while we're on the issue of unclever word play, Mega Man comes off as completely annoying and a whiny braggart whenever he has something to say. When you find yourself rooting for Bubble Man to kick Mega Man's ass, you know you have a foundational problem with your story. Also, perhaps it's because I can't help to shake off the cover illustration of Mega Man 2, but Mega Man sounds a bit too flamboyant for his role as a proton-blasting superhero. It messes with the semi-serious tone of the character from the video game. (i.e. "Heat Man wasn't such hot stuff." "What a great beat," Mega Man said. "Too bad I don't have any time to dance." And the classic line after beating Wood Man, "You'll make a lovely footstool.")

Everything in the novel is done in a predictable style and all of the chapters, including the ending, is made obvious by the end of chapter one. The predictability was what mostly made reading such a chore; especially when the author was constantly forcing uninspired, post-cliched phrases to describe the torturous fall of each and every bad guy. It got to a point that while writing my summary I, too, began repeating the pattern. Take this one line I wrote, for instance: [Mega Man] swam until a huge fish began following him, then Mega Man turned around and shot with his Bubble Lead leaving it sleeping with the fishes. I wonder if I have a chance at a future job in Scholastic?

That was not the only repetitious element of the novel. Dr. Light and Mega Man are shown constantly nodding at each other, in poor descriptive manner on the part of the author, and worse than that in a highly suggestive manner, giving off the air of a fanfiction gone terribly naughty. It doesn't help any when you're given saucy dialogue such as this: "You are the finest superrobot I have ever built." Mega Man would have blushed if his circuits had been programmed for that activity. Mega Man nodded. He wasn't sure if this idea would work, but he was a robot. He had to obey his creator. "Okay, Doctor Light," he said. "How do we do it?"

So are there any redeeming factors to this trash heap that a retarded robot built with a brain made of razor blades would have written better? Well, as I search for one, my mind can't seem to identify any. In fact, just trying to think of a compliment only leads to me remembering more of the bad things about the book. Like the grammatical errors scattered about, including the improper usage of "man" in "Mega Man" by not captializing the word, and the misspelling of Dr. Wily as "Dr. Wiley." What you're fundamentally left with is an underwhelming narrative strategy guide, without any of the helpful tips.

If you love to read, please don't read this. If you happen to hate reading, then allow me to congratulate you for another reason to remain steadfast. Reading Mega Man 2 will numb your mind worse than a 24-hour marathon of Family Matters. Actually just play the game; you'll learn more. The only thing I learned after reading this is that F.X. Nine has a grudge against children. He wants to suck their souls in a blender, prope and rape their superheroes with daggers, and make once enjoyable, eventful, exciting things painful and depressing to bare. Thanks F.X. Nine; I'm one step closer to hateful spite and doing violence against myself!

FINAL GRADE: W (for Wood Man)